*TRIGGER WARNING* Hello :) I'm Clare, I'm 18 and currently attending college in Dublin, Ireland. I'm studying Computer Science but have a stronger passion for art and music. I have been diagnosed with MDD (Major Depressive Disorder) officially. Unofficially, I'm sure there's a lot more to it than the depression. I know I have an Eating Disorder and struggle with self harm. I have also attempted suicide a few times in the past and don't know if I'll try again or not. This blog is merely a form of self-expression, a place where I can document everything I hide from the world. Please enjoy my rants and ridiculous venting. Feel free to ask me anything and finally, Stay Strong <3
Numb;
The lights are on
but nobody’s home.
I did that all through school and college. I hate when people see me cry. Very few people have been unlucky enough to catch me do it even though I do so often.
(Source: lonely-unicorn, via broken-and-hopeless)
Ok so today I literally ate a tonne of food. And I don’t mean like “oh no I had a bagel!” I mean I didn’t stop eating for houuuurs. I also had way too much caffeine and I think my body couldn’t handle all this and just exploded…? I was hyperventilating and having hot flushes, felt like I was gonna vomit and my stomach was in bits, I could barely walk or breathe or talk and I just collapsed onto my bed like dripping with sweat and shaking (lovely images I know) and my hands kept going numb and my head was aching and heart was racing. I called my mom saying I must have a stomach bug (well I mumbled while wincing in pain) and she told me I shouldn’t smoke, that it won’t help my breathing, that I’m probably anaemic and that the only reason I ate so much junk is because I don’t eat enough and was craving. Then she gave me an ‘anti-spasmatic’ which I’ve never heard of and told me to lie down and take my sleeping pill. Hmmm….. So I’m now on tumblr trying to work out if I should purge or not, wondering if my dad’s asleep or if my mom’ll hear or if it’s too late and I’ve already gained like 10 stone.
I couldn’t do more than 3 push ups today before curling up in the foetal position listening to my heart pound. I’m the definition of a failure. I fail at ‘normality’ and fail at my eating disorder. Everyone thinks I recovered after being anorexic all those years ago but while my body ‘recovered’ (got fat and ugly again), my mind just took a break. Now, mentally, I’m sicker than I’ve ever been and it’s like I’m at war with myself. My body is fighting back and I can’t handle it. I wish my parents would just fuck off so I can starve again instead of this ‘eating right’ crap. I’m venting. I’m sorry this is boring to EVERYONE. Ughhhh I wanna die. Or just cut…but I can’t. Fuck this. Bye.
I wish I was aborted…. I’m not pro choice but I’d make a special exception in this case.
(Source: hecticity, via uncrythesetears)
