I’ll keep this as short as I can.

My scales are evil and claim I’ve gained 5 pounds.
I ate too much over the last few days and emotionally exploded today over it.
I binged and purged a lot.
Had the urge to cut really badly but ignored it, thankfully.
I cried a lot.
I didn’t talk or do much all day.
Looked up random eating disorder videos, whether they were pro or against EDs.

I started sort of seeing a guy this week. I say “sort of” since it’s nothing official, but it’s going really well.
He’s lovely and great and makes me so happy (I could go on for hours about him but I’ll spare you all that).
Today I just completely blocked him out and wouldn’t talk to him because of how low I felt.
I couldn’t explain to him why though…
He probably thinks I hate him but I don’t want to tell him about the depression yet.
I don’t want to scare him away.
He’s already seen my scars (awkward moment) and claims it doesn’t change his opinion of me.
And he knows how mental I am when it comes to eating (not the purging though).
So I shouldn’t assume it’d scare him off but I just think I’m not good enough for him.
He deserves me as my happy caring self, not when I’m crying and shaking and avoiding the world.
I hate that I’m like this, like I have 2 personalities.
Wish I could kill the bad one off.

Ugh I’ll stop now. Sorry for being stressful and annoying or whatever. I’d say “goodnight” but I can’t sleep. So eh… Love u :3 xoxoxoxoxox